The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you had me at cake vodka
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
