He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
