I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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