you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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