I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my vag is so smooth its legendary
babies were throwing up all over the place
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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