I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
