hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Randomize
