I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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