maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
