i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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