i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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