there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
