guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize