Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
