Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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