i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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