a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
