Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
