Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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