I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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