8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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