Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize