so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
