I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
