My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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