I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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