I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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