he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
