I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
