it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
