I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
