You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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