meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I will be naked everywhere
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
