What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
