Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
