Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(239): View more from Florida

I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(937): View more from Ohio

she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(830): View more from Texas

Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends

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(714): View more from California

Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now

(714): View more from California

False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower

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