I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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