i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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