Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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