Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
