Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
