My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
