You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
