my mouth tastes like poor choices
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
