what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
