My friends, they love my intelligence
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
