Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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