Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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