I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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