so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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