We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
