Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize