Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
