I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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