2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize