I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
