New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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